Saturday, February 23, 2008

I found George Carlin’s new rules for 2008 on Ben Witherington’s blog. Ben is a theologian that I read often. Now George can be a bit on the raunchy side ,but he isn’t usually profane and he is funny, and I like professor Witherington, read his “stuff.” I realize this is entirely too long. It is the longest blog I have ever posted. When you get tired of reading—just quit

New Rule:Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reasonyou don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularlylike them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the footballteam is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule:Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this stuff at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?Drink some of that salinized water at the beach that comes out of your faucet there!

New Rule:Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pillbottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the morgue.Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:The more complicated the Starbucks order, the more annoying the drinker. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," boy are you messed up.

New Rule:I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above your least flattering feature, and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.You're just high.

New Rule:I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Pickingout the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn'tgift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me atowel and a mint. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months."27 Months" is way over the top. "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

New Rule:If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"